Week 48 – Walking skeletons, gag-reflex inner child hugs and the need to feel special
Meppel, cinema, Russell Crowe as Göring
I am sitting in the cinema. I grew up in the Achterhoek with first a cinema (owned by my grandfather) and later a video rental store in our home. “Film experts by nature” was our slogan. They called me the movie girl. Every week I went to the movies with my father until right before he died when I was 19.
Recently I got myself a cinema membership, so now I happily take myself to the movies (and sometimes go with someone). And… whenever possible (and when I am not too spontaneous about it) I do what my dad always did: make sure I sit exactly in the middle of the theater.
So there I am in the Luxor (the same name our cinema and video store had, so it feels a bit like home) in the perfect spot, ready for Nuremberg. Not the most cheerful film to watch alone, but I have to say it is a damn good one, also because Russell Crowe plays Hermann Göring masterfully.
Intelligent. Charismatic. Manipulative. Disturbingly charismatic, as critics say. He shows Göring not only as a monster, but as an intelligent, calculating man who uses charm as a weapon. Layered. Terrifying.
This is not a standard war film. This is a psychological duel between Dr. Douglas Kelley (played by Rami Malek, who I also think is brilliant), the American psychiatrist who had to assess the Nazi leaders, and Göring, who knows exactly how to get under Kelley’s skin. Which, given the work I do, I naturally find endlessly fascinating.
And in case you are reading for the first time: I am a life performance coach for leaders and coaches. For a long time I had my ladder against the wrong mountain: successful on the outside, empty on the inside. Until I discovered the Tools from Phil Stutz. The transformation was so big that I thought: the whole world needs to know this. So I wrote books about it and started my practice.
So… a film about someone who cannot see his own blind spots and ends up losing himself? That is exactly what I work with every day and where I still do my own inner work too, because we are never done with our personal development.
Later I looked up the book the film is based on. The Nazi and the Psychiatrist is now on my reading list.
Kelley wants to understand: how can people commit such acts?
Göring wants to win: and he uses Kelley’s need to be special and to understand against him.
And while I am watching, I think: I recognize this, a similar dynamic (luckily far less extreme). That moment you realize: I need to pay attention, because this person touches something in me.
What Kelley discovered (and why it matters today)
After the war Dr. Kelley was assigned to assess whether the top Nazis were mentally fit to stand trial.
But Kelley wanted more. He wanted to write a book. Make a name. Understand what drives people to such horrors.
Göring was brilliant. Rhetorically strong. He challenged Kelley exactly at the points where Kelley was vulnerable. He used appreciation, intellectual equality, the feeling of being seen to pull Kelley closer.
High level manipulation.
But what Kelley discovered was much worse.
Kelley’s big discovery:
Göring was not insane. Not sick. He was rational, intelligent, charming.
Kelley had been looking for pathology. Madness. Something that would allow him to say: “This is a different kind of human. I could never do this.”
But what he found: normal people. Smart people. Under the right circumstances.
“They were simply creatures of their environment, as all humans are.”
And that is more terrifying than madness. Because madness allows you to say: “I am not like that.”
But ordinary people who under the right conditions commit horror? Those you see everywhere. Even now. Even today.
Kelley later said: “I am convinced that there is little in America today which could prevent the establishment of a Nazi-like state.”
He had seen what humans can become. And he realized no one is immune.
What really hit Kelley
Göring completely understood that Kelley wanted to write that book about the Nazis. He sensed that hunger for recognition and ambition. That moment of finally being “special”.
“You are special,” Göring flattered him. “You understand me. You see what others do not.”
Kelley fell for it. It was not Göring’s power that was most dangerous. It was Kelley’s own deficiency.
That need for recognition that blinds you to the fact that you are losing yourself.
Happened to me too. I think many people have experienced this. And I see it regularly with clients.
The need for recognition and validation from the outside world can be enormous if you do not heal yourself internally. And sadly, if you cannot feel it from within, it will never be enough from the outside.
What people say when they break through
This week I also had multiple coaching sessions. And two moments really landed.
“Before I was a walking skeleton. Now I am here. Really living.”
He said it softly, almost surprised. As if he was in his body for the first time ever.
For many years he had lived on autopilot. Work, family, obligations. He did what he had to. He performed. But inside he was empty. Lost, but in a different way.
And now? Now he felt. Truly. Present. Fully in himself and in his life. It is beautiful to witness how differently people start living with the Tools from Stutz. Conscious, real, grateful. I went through this myself in the same way (and still in new layers) and it is such a privilege to guide others through it too.
But sometimes a client hits my shadow
And here is where it gets personal for me. I am naturally good at not losing myself in my clients’ problems. I hear heavy things sometimes. I can release it without being overtaken by it.
But every now and then someone shows up who touches a shadow of mine. High intelligence. Distant. Analytical. With control as a survival strategy.
And then I feel it again. The recognition. The urge to do it right. To show that I understand them, that I can look deep enough, that I can actually help them.
And that is the moment I must stay with my shadow. Because if I do not, if I am not alert, then it overtakes me and the opposite happens. I start operating from my head instead of my heart.
Kelley had moments of inner strength too. There is a scene in the film where he speaks to Göring in anger. He looks fearless in that moment. Fully present from inner authority.
Göring could have grabbed him by the throat easily. But he didn’t. Because Kelley spoke from his deep truth, not from fear.
Inner authority versus fear. That is the difference. But somewhere along the way Kelley lost that authority. He got entangled.
And that is the warning for anyone who works deeply with people: You can only help from inner authority.
Not from fascination.
Not from fear.
Not from projection.
The art is: hold your inner authority. Stay with your true self (or selves). As much as possible.
From walking skeletons to pink clouds
This week I did a form of shadow work with another client. She met the part of herself she had pushed away for years: the little girl who felt too much, was too sensitive, not strong enough.
And instead of pushing her away, she hugged her.
“She was so happy to see that I acknowledged her. I gave her this big pink cloud hug.”
Funny enough, earlier this week I read a post from someone on LinkedIn who said she felt nauseous at the thought of hugging your inner child. And I get it. When you say it like that without any context, I used to get gag reflexes too. But later I had to admit that if you missed something in your childhood, in whatever way, inner child work can be profoundly healing.
This woman also shared an AI prompt to generate an image of yourself with your younger self. I tried it and got this:
I have to confess: seeing this picture does something to me, because I know that this little girl was neglected at times. And of course that influences your adult life if you do nothing about it. We try to get recognition and love from the outside world while the real work has to be done inside, like hugging that inner child. I am reading a fascinating book about this now: The Prism by Laura Day. More about that soon.
And when my client saw her own little girl during the tool we did, when she recognized her, the healing could finally begin. You cannot reach this through logic. You have to go to your feelings. That is when you discover how many people push away an important part of themselves that actually wants to be seen and acknowledged.
Action in the Taxi
I spent a few days in Berlin for the BPM Summit, Business Process Management. How systems flow or get stuck. And I thought: this is exactly what I do, but with people instead of companies.
Blockages in people = blocked processes
Shadow work = debugging your inner system
Inner authority = knowing who you are, what you want and where you stand, even when a system pushes you in a different direction
What else I have been working on:
Writing my book, training and workshops. Small steps, consistently taken.
My collaboration with my marketer continues. Bringing structure to what works.
I am reading The Prism by Laura Day. About inner authority and connecting with your intuition. A fantastic book and very relevant to everything above.
I also soaked up some Christmas atmosphere in Berlin this week. Wonderful to get away for a moment. And now from a place of relaxation I can keep going. Because growth also happens in the rest. In the non-doing. In the conscious being.
Finally
This week stayed with me:
My own blind spots. Where I go blind because of my need for recognition. Where I want to be good enough. That is where I am vulnerable.
And you? Where do you go blind?
My inner authority. I can only hold it if I know where I sink. What takes me over when I am not paying attention.
Where do you sink?
“This would never happen to me.” Every time I think that, I know: pay attention. That is where danger begins.
Do you recognize that? That moment where you think: that would not happen to me?
May the life force be with you, Syl
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Agenda
12 December 2025 – Make 2026 the Greatest Year of Your Life at Wonders of Work Utrecht. Free. Only a few spots left because we already have a large group. You can sign up here.
30 December 2025 – New Year’s Workshop at Binnenruimte Meppel with Mariska van Dam. A full day for yourself. We breathe out the old year and breathe in the new one. Ready to shine and rock in 2026. You can sign up here.
