Week 50 – Carrying boxes, poison as nourishment, and why coaches have to do their own work too
Carrying boxes and daring to ask for help
This week was moving week for me. Boxes. Stuff. Chaos. And me, of course, with the idea: I’ll just do this myself real quick, just like last time.
Until my friend with a big car said: “Hey, should I maybe help you for a bit?”
And there I was. With it fresh in my mind that, following the book The Prism (more on that later), my ego center 4 (Self-Esteem) said: “You’re allowed to accept help.”
And my ego center 6 (Self-Soothing) said: “You don’t have to do this alone this time. Give yourself some rest.”
So this time I said YES please (even though it was a bit hesitant), which my friend also named out loud: accepting help… that was your biggest win.
And hey… just this, okay: I say it to my clients almost every week: “You don’t have to do it alone.”
And then I still think myself: I’ve got this. I don’t need anyone. Ahem…
So this week: I got out of my own way and man, was I glad I did, we were done lightning fast!
Cleaning up is letting go of ballast
I actually have a bloody hatred for moving. But while I was at it, I also did a good clean-out during the move.
Stuff I dragged from house to house. That I never use anymore. That only takes up space, but yeah “emotional value” blah blah blah. While if the place were on fire, I really wouldn’t take it with me. And then it hit me: this is actually exactly what I do with my clients too. Cleaning up! But with emotional ballast.
Old beliefs you keep carrying because you think they’re still true. But they’re not true anymore, or they’ve served their purpose, and now they pollute your system and negatively influence the choices you make, or don’t make. So out they go.
While cleaning, I was listening to The Prism by Laura Day. About the seven ego centers. About how trauma, big or small and we all have it, blocks your centers and how you can open them again.
And I thought: this is such a beautiful addition to the Tools of Stutz. Her book gives deeper language to patterns I see in clients.
A quick side note about “ego”:
The word ego often has a negative charge. But Laura Day, just like Phil Stutz by the way, does not see it as an enemy, but as a necessary instrument. A damaged ego is the problem, not the ego itself.
Like that one ego center I ran into myself this week: ego center 6.
Poison as nourishment
I coach several people with an addiction, you often attract what you’ve struggled with yourself, interesting, right 😂.
This week I had supervision with my own coach. Because coaches get coached too. I’m never done with my own development either.
And she said something that stuck:
“Your task is not to save them. Your task is to connect them with their shadows. The rest is their work.”
That landed, because if I’m really honest, with one specific client I had slipped into rescuer mode. I saw her relapse and I wanted to work really hard to save her. But that is her work. Not mine.
My work is: guiding toward vulnerability. Connecting them with the part of them that hurts. Holding them responsible for their own choices.
And I understand addiction. And not just from my trainings and books. I grew up with an addicted parent and I’m highly addiction-prone myself (which is why I quit alcohol). I couldn’t save my mother, which also wasn’t my responsibility, and somewhere there’s still a tendency to want to do that with my clients.
According to The Prism by Laura Day, addiction is this: using poison as nourishment. And according to her, this comes from a blocked ego center 6: Self-Soothing. The ability to love yourself internally. To be with yourself. To give yourself rest without running away.
If you can’t do that, you look for it outside yourself. In alcohol. In drugs. In work. In perfection. In whatever works to fill that emptiness. It’s false nourishment. It’s poison disguised as food or relaxation. I think she describes that beautifully.
Laura Day says: if your ego center 6 is damaged by trauma, such as neglect, abuse, boundary violations, then you don’t learn how to soothe yourself. Then you look for external sources. Recognizable… and not just for me.
So what do you do with this?
Do you recognize this in yourself? Here are three steps that can help you:
- Identify your poison
What is your false nourishment? Alcohol? Work? Social media? Perfectionism? Name it. Out loud. “This is my poison.” - Ask: what am I really looking for?
Behind the poison sits a need. Rest? Connection? Acceptance? Recognition? What are you trying to fill? - Give yourself real nourishment
Small things. A walk. A moment of silence. A conversation with someone who sees you. Connect with your inner child or your shadow. No poison. Real nourishment.
And do this every day. Because you are teaching your system again: this is safe. This is enough. This is me.
So my task with this client? Not filling it in. Not saving. But showing her: here is the hole. And you are the only one who can fill it.
Just like I had to learn myself.
Practice what you preach
I recognize in my client what I’ve seen in myself. Difficulty soothing yourself. Difficulty allowing rest. The addiction to doing, moving, functioning, because if you stop, you feel too much.
I know that poison as nourishment. Alcohol was that for me. Until I quit 1.5 years ago.
And then there was also the piece of difficulty asking for help. Difficulty admitting that help is actually nicer.
Then you also have to do your own work as a coach, and even if you’re not a coach but you are a parent, the first coach for your child, or as a partner, friend, family member.
Because if I tell her: “You need to learn to soothe yourself. You need to learn that it’s okay to be vulnerable. You need to learn that you are worthy of rest,” then I obviously have to do that myself too.
You can only help if you also do your own work. Not from the need to save. Not from the fear that they won’t make it. But from: I see you. I believe in you. And I hold you responsible.
Because I know what it’s like not to be savable. I grew up with an addicted parent. No one could save her. No one can save me.
We save ourselves. By seeing our shadow. By recognizing our poison. By learning what real nourishment is.
But you’re allowed to do it together. Because you can’t see your own blind spots. You need a mirror. That’s why I’m still in training. That’s why I still have a coach. Because I’m never done either. The inner work never stops. For no one, and not for me either.
My coach said something else beautiful in that supervision:
“If you lose yourself in saving the other, you are both feeding Part X (the inner saboteur).”
Their Part X says: you need it.
My Part X says: you are the only one who can help them.
Both are not true.
The truth is: they need their shadow. And I need mine.
Action in the Taxi
My experiment of stepping on the gas weekly toward my big ambitious goal (helping 1 million people).
Conversation with an organization about organizing meetups. Conversation with a platform for workshops at large organizations. Networking event with a client who spontaneously set up a pop-up store in Amsterdam, so beautiful to see how she brought her shadow with her.
“This year I’m doing it differently!”
Are you coming to my New Year’s workshop on December 30?
You know it. Those days between Christmas and New Year’s. Too much food, too much couch time. The Christmas tree gets sad.
And then that voice: “Next year everything will be different!”
But those resolutions? They usually don’t last until February.
Saying it differently and doing it differently are two different things.
On December 30 2025, I’m organizing a day together with breathwork therapist Mariska where we let go of the old year with gratitude. And set intentions from love for yourself.
Nice and cozy on a mat. We do breathwork. Literally breathing out the old year.
Because everything that didn’t work out, everything that was heavy, sits in your system. In your body. We’re going to breathe it out.
So that we create space on the inside again to do the right things on the outside again. And conveniently fitting, this FULLY CATERED workshop day is at Binnen Ruimte.
No resolutions, but intentions, and with the Tools that anchor them. So it doesn’t stay at “good idea” or “I should do this,” but becomes: “this is what I’M going to do.”
And realize: not doing, doing nothing, is also a choice. Namely that NOTHING changes and next year is more of the same. So come join!
December 30 2025 | 10:00–16:00 | Meppel | Max 12 spots Binnenruimte. Fully catered. Comfy clothes on and thick socks along, nothing else needed.
Because this year? This year we’re really going to do it. Ready?
Closing words
This week was about three things:
Daring to ask for help. Ego center 4: Self-Esteem. Do you dare to be weak? Do you dare to say: I can’t do this alone?
Letting go of ballast. Literally and figuratively. Stuff that takes up space. Emotions you hold onto. Patterns you drag along. Poison you drink because you think it’s nourishment.
Not saving, but holding responsible. Ego center 6: Self-Soothing. The addiction to not having to feel yourself. The lesson that no one can save you. You save yourself.
And for myself: practice what you preach.
Because if I tell my clients: do your own work, then I have to do that myself too. Every single day.
And now you:
Where is your ego center 6? Where do you look for nourishment outside yourself?
Close your eyes. Ask yourself: what am I really looking for? And give yourself one thing today that is real nourishment.
A walk. A conversation. A moment of silence. Signing up for this workshop. 😉
Because you deserve real nourishment. Not the poison that pretends to be comfort.
Thank you for reading along again! 🙏
May the life force be with you,
Syl
👉 Plan a free clarity call
Even if you just want to chat and hear how I do things. Maybe I can help you.
Remember: we meet each other in vulnerability.
Agenda
December 30, 2025 – New Year’s Workshop: Gratefully Out – Enthusiastically In 📍 Binnenruimte Meppel with Mariska van Dam 10:00–16:00 | Max 12 participants
A full day for yourself! We’re breathing the old year OUT and the new year IN. Lying on mats. Letting go of what no longer serves. Setting intentions from love. Including lunch. Investment: €147 (normally €197)
You can sign up here
