Peek in my Week #33 is here.
5. Addicted
First podcast recorded. The series is called: Ontslaafd: de weg naar fixvrij (freely translated to: Unhooked: the road to fix-free.) And Sander Veldman, my podcast producer, was my first guest.
Why Ontslaafd? Because we use the word addiction (verslaafd, and ont- is like non- in Dutch) for alcohol, drugs, gambling. While the addictions that truly drain us are the ones we don’t call addictions, because they’re so normal in our society. Performing. Scrolling. Status. Possessions. How you look. Approval.
I know how that feels. I lived that way for a long time myself, and in certain areas I’m not and never will be perfect, but I do experience what it’s like to free myself more and more from the so-called innocent but oh so self-destructive habits.
Sander shared how he woke up with chaos in his head, how he spent the whole Sunday vibe-coding while his daughter sat next to him doing crafts. And how he kept thinking: but is this really what I want? Or am I just running away?
We did a tool together. And at some point he saw the chaotic part of himself sitting across from him. What did that part say?
“See me. See me.”
Not perform more. Not get better. It wants to be seen. By itself.
Coming soon. 🎙️ So stay tuned!
4. Theater training
I want to perform on stage, so I’m training for it… since practicing is the only way to get better at something. So I’m now in the middle of a really fun theater program, right here in Meppel, and I get to go all out in a monologue playing 10 different (short) roles, and I’m super excited!
3. Boomers & Paaz
It was another cinema weekend (I usually do that on the weekends I don’t have my son) and I went to these two films. Deliberately these, because they seemed relevant to my work. The themes in the films reflect what my clients deal with too. The challenges of growing older and old trauma we can stay stuck in, and depressive thinking.
Boomers. Huub Stapel plays a man in his mid-sixties still blaming his mother for sending him to boarding school as a child, for four years, and I’m sitting in the cinema thinking: how long do you want to carry this? But the real insight wasn’t impatience. It was compassion.
It’s never too late to heal. To do the work, even now, even after carrying it for decades. Better than dragging it with you for another twenty years, right? This film pleasantly surprised me since I’m normally not a big fan of Dutch films and I’d give it a solid 7. And yes, I’m critical, because growing up in a cinema and later a video store, I can genuinely call myself a “film connoisseur by upbringing,” which was actually our store’s slogan 😂.
Paaz hit differently, because that film shows how someone can look perfectly happy on the outside and be deeply depressed on the inside. It reminded me of my conversation with Robin Peek, who actually has a website literally called depressed and happy and has also started a podcast with the same producer Never Game Over. That you can be both at the same time, and that acknowledging it is already the first step toward healing. Superb acting by lead actress Gaite Jansen.
2. Am I enough?
There was an insight from a client that I just can’t shake. Many people, myself included regularly, experience a kind of need to prove themselves. And that usually comes from the idea that you’re not enough. Michael Singer has deep wisdom about this, which my client brought:
“It’s not your job to be enough. It’s your job to stay open.” Open to the moment in front of you. Without judgment or resistance.
1. Running in the “jungle” of Meppel
I’ve properly picked up running again, and I’m also going to stop saying I hate it, because when I’m in the forest with some good trashy happy hardcore music blasting and I’m going full speed (for a few minutes before nearly dying), I’m as happy as a kid and it’s such a beautiful release from all the hard work.
This week I ran into the little Meppel forest. At some point: water in front of me, no way through. But I spotted two narrow tree trunks, so I crossed. I’d already fallen flat on my face, gotten stuck in thorn bushes, ended up at the highway and had to turn back because you really don’t want to be the person removed from the hard shoulder.
I found a nice alternative route back, but then really did have to cross those tree trunks again. I made it. With dry feet. Nice!
“Where there’s a will, there’s a detour.”
I loved this quote by Huib van Dis, which I connected to this experience.
That goes for a Meppel forest (yes, that jungle) on a Sunday, but also for a card deck that’s been in the making forever AND NOW FINALLY: IS IN PROOF COPY (!!! YAY!!!), for someone who can only let go of their trauma at sixty-five, and for accepting that despite depression you can still, or once again, experience happiness.
Stay open for what’s in front of you. That’s the only thing you have direct influence over. Thank you for reading 🙏.
May the Life Force be with you ⚡️
Love, Syl
