Your shadow, top-tier alcohol-free wine, and a relationship without a ceiling
“If I integrate my shadow, won’t it take over?” my client asked, concerned.
I laughed because it was so relatable. Because while he said this, he had been dealing with procrastination for months, numbing himself with scrolling and alcohol, and avoiding difficult conversations with his colleagues.
His shadow had long taken control, precisely because he ignored it.
The paradox of shadow integration
The shadow is the sum of everything you don’t want to be, but fear others might see in you. The tricky part? If you don’t integrate that part, that’s exactly what tends to happen. Your shadow takes over. The more you push it away, the harder it shows up, usually at the most inconvenient moments.
Remember the Will Smith moment?
Do you remember? That slap Will Smith gave Chris Rock during the Oscars? Chris made a really nasty joke about Jada’s baldness (due to illness) and bam, Will walked onto the stage and hit him square in the face.
My Tools mentor Barry Michels later explained, “That was typical behavior of someone without proper shadow integration.”
Will Smith built his entire career on the “good guy” image. Charming, kind, positive. But here’s the thing: your shadow doesn’t disappear by pushing it away. It just waits in the wings until a trigger comes, as it did for him.
If Will had had a healthy relationship with his shadow, he would have known, acknowledged, and been able to channel that aggressive energy. No slap. No 10-year Oscar ban.
It shows: we’re all just human. Inner work remains incredibly important, even when you’re successful. Especially then.
From avoidance to trust
Back to my client. We analyzed his situation and there it was: procrastination, laziness, waiting, lack of perseverance, no decisiveness when dealing with staff issues. He knew it wasn’t okay. And what did he do? The things Part X offered him to avoid feeling those limitations: endless scrolling and alcohol. Numbing.
When I explained this to him, it clicked. He was experiencing a double loss:
- His shadow was already directing all his behavior (unconsciously)
- He was numbing himself to avoid feeling it
By ignoring his shadow, it had already taken control. Integration would actually set him free.
Two sessions later? He had that super difficult conversation with a challenging staff member that he had been putting off for months. He felt the resistance, acknowledged his discomfort, connected with his shadow and did it. And not with shaky knees and a trembling voice like before, but in his superpowers and masculine energy.
“I got my confidence back,” he said.
That’s the magic of shadow integration: you gain access to what used to work against you. An absolute game changer.
Do you recognize your own shadow?
Ask yourself:
• What do I absolutely not want people to think about me?
• Which traits in others irritate me the most? (Often a mirror of what we ignore in ourselves)
• What do I use to numb myself when things get uncomfortable?
These questions often point to your shadow. The part you push away, but that still influences your behavior.
Paris, oysters and holy moly what a wine
After all this deep inner work, it was time for something completely different. Last weekend I was in Paris with our son for his birthday. Disneyland of course, but also a short visit to the city itself.
And then I found them: oysters! Big juicy ones for just €2.50 each at a food market. Fresh from Brittany, with just a slice of lemon. Less was definitely more here. Yum yum yum! Pure enjoyment.
The tradition I wanted to keep
But the real culinary highlight came a few days later: the 8-course dinner at De Groene Lantaarn in Staphorst. With two friends we have a lovely tradition. Since we earned our SDIN 2 wine diploma together 7 years ago, we deposit €50 each month into a shared account. Twice a year we go to a top restaurant together, preferably one with Michelin stars. Deliciously decadent and above all: time for each other and our shared passion for good food and wine.
Only that last part changed, of course, when I stopped drinking alcohol last year. I was a huge (maybe too huge) wine fan when we got that diploma. In fact, I still am. But the effects of alcohol bothered me so much that I quit. However, alcohol is often what gives wine its complexity and body.
So when I stopped drinking, I was a bit worried (even though I realize this might sound silly to some). Would I still want to join these dinners? The wine pairing was such an essential part of the experience.
Alcohol-free wine that’s actually good
But lucky me: the alcohol-free wine world is evolving rapidly.
And at De Groene Lantaarn? WOW! The food was absolutely phenomenal, each dish was a tiny work of art, the flavors, the presentation, everything was just top-notch. But the real surprise of the evening was, yes: the alcohol-free wines.
They came from Manufaktur Jörg Geiger in southern Germany (golden tip for fellow non-drinkers), who remove alcohol from organic wines using vacuum distillation at low temperatures and then enrich them with natural ingredients like apple, peach, gooseberry and mirabelle.
The result? Not just “okay/drinkable for alcohol-free,” as is often the case, but truly GOOD and well-matched with the dishes. I was seriously impressed.
I should add: the longer I don’t drink (now almost a year and a half), the more I get used to it, the easier it becomes. At the same time, I do occasionally crave a glass of real champagne or cava. Especially in France, where they’re still not big on alcohol-free options (at least not at that food market). I did miss that sparkling complexity for a moment.
However: at De Groene Lantaarn? ZERO wistfulness. And the realization: you can remain a wine lover without the alcohol. The passion for flavor, aromas and pairing stays, only the hangover disappears. It’s just wonderful to always feel fit.
Book of the week: How to Love Better
I’ve been following Yung Pueblo (his real name is Diego Perez) on Instagram for a while. His writing style is poetic, not overly lofty, but I find it very beautiful and true.
I really wanted to listen to Dit boek. Because I’m now in a relationship that truly invites me to keep growing. A big contrast to the past…
The ceiling of your growth
One of the core messages (and I’m paraphrasing): “The ceiling of your relationship is the ceiling of your personal growth.”
This hit me, because I recognize it from my previous relationship. I was up against a glass ceiling because I was working on personal development and my ex wasn’t. Nothing against him, but ultimately that’s where it stalled. I changed, he didn’t. You can’t grow together if one person stands still.
Now I’m with a partner who is also deeply engaged in personal development. And that changes everything. We can nerd out together about books, concepts and tools, he understands why I lead shadow work workshops on Sundays. He encourages me to keep growing, I do the same for him. We challenge each other, keep each other sharp, and create space for growth together. That’s what a healthy relationship does: it lifts you up and challenges you to keep evolving.
It also reminded me of what a business coach once taught me: “your business can’t grow faster than you do.” I believe that’s true for relationships too.
Now you might think: but aren’t there jerks with successful businesses and relationships?
Yeps. But it depends on how you define success. Societal success versus inner success, those are two completely different things. You can have a million-dollar business and feel empty inside. You can be married for 20 years and live lonely side by side.
I see this often with new clients. They’ve achieved a lot externally: the house, the car, the title, the LinkedIn feed that looks like everything is perfect. But inside they feel like failures and insecure. The same happens in relationships: they may have been together a long time, share a bed, a house, maybe children. But truly deeply connected? Not so much. That’s not success. That’s a pretty façade.
5 insights from this book
The book is full of practical insights. A few that really struck me:
- Communication renews love Honest, open communication, especially during conflict, strengthens the relationship again and again.
- Self-love first You can only truly be loving if you work on self-acceptance and emotional healing.
- Growth, kindness and compassion are green flags Personal growth, understanding and compassion make a relationship resilient.
- Healthy love lets go Real love doesn’t cling tightly, but encourages freedom and development.
- Compassion over control Strong relationships are built on understanding and vulnerability, not control.
For me especially this: the quality of your relationship reflects the quality of your inner work.
And that actually applies to everything in your life.
Agenda
November 11, 2025 – Netwerk vol Magie – Liesbeth Kingma organizes networking events for entrepreneurs who want to make societal impact. An evening for meaningful connections and inspiring conversations. Interested? Check the details and sign up.
New shadow work workshop dates coming soon The planning for the next round of workshops is nearly complete. Want to be the first to know? Send me a DM with your email address.
Speaking opportunities Organizing an event and looking for a speaker on shadow work, personal growth or mental strength? I love being on stage. Let’s talk: sylvia@sylviaholtslag.nl
Final note
This week was beautiful. My client reclaimed his strength. Oysters in Paris for a steal. Alcohol-free wine that surprised us all. And that book that helps me be a better partner in a relationship where growth isn’t just allowed, but truly invited.
Your shadow takes over when you ignore it. Integration is not surrender, it’s your liberation.
And when it comes to relationships: you cannot love fully without first healing your inner world. Every step in personal healing enriches your relationships. That’s what makes love truly transformative.
Which insight resonated with you? I’d love to hear.
Contact
Feel like chatting about shadow work, Tools, personal growth, or just having a good conversation? My inbox is always open: sylvia@sylviaholtslag.nl
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May the life force be with you, Syl
