Week 4 of 2026 – What a workshop for 10-year-olds taught me, why Hugh Jackman moved me, and how I let go of my shame over lunch
“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past.”
I read it and had to stop scrolling. So beautifully said. In just one sentence.
Giving up the hope of a better past. Not forgiving the other. Not forgiving yourself. But stopping the fantasy that it should have gone differently. Stopping the fight with what has already happened. Even if it was only a second ago.
And that brought me to Michael Singer, whose work I am still diving into deeply. In The Untethered Soul and The Surrender Experiment, he explains why we cling so tightly to the past.
His metaphor: imagine that every time you smelled something bad, you captured it in a little bottle and took it home with you. “So you won’t forget how bad it smelled.” After a few years, your house is filled with stinky bottles.
That’s what we do with painful memories. We collect them. Store them. Carry them with us. And then we wonder why it stinks on the inside.
Singer is radical: “When it comes to the past, it is 100% cost, 0% benefit. Because it is OVER.”
The past is no longer happening. It cannot be changed. It exists only in your mind. YOU keep it alive.
And forgiveness? According to Singer, that’s not enough. Because forgiveness means you judged first. “This was wrong. This should not have happened. But fine, I forgive it.”
He wants more. He wants you to look back and say: thank you. Not because it was all pleasant. But because it shaped you. Because it brought you here.
Can you do that? Look back at EVERYTHING, the pain, the mistakes, the shame, and say: this is mine, this is sacred, this is beautiful?
Sounds woo-woo. I know. But I am in training. And this week I got multiple chances to practice.
How do you become a hero on the soccer field?
I don’t like soccer. My ex didn’t either. And somehow, miraculously, we ended up with a child who is completely obsessed with it 😂. It’s a good thing he looks so much like me, otherwise I would seriously start to wonder…
So I regularly find myself on the sidelines cheering enthusiastically for him and his team, because of course you want to support your child. I also know what it’s like when your parents don’t care about what you’re doing.
And then I see a few things happen: struggling to recover after a good or bad moment, not looking the other team in the eye during the handshake, blaming the referee when things go wrong, storming off angrily.
Recognizable? Not just with kids, by the way. Ahem… guilty! 🤦🏻♀️
I regularly read books about top athletes and team players because I’m fascinated by how they maintain the mindset needed to become exceptionally good. Like Above the Line by Urban Meyer, one of the most successful American football coaches ever. His core idea: your behavior is always either above or below “the line.” Above the line is intentional, purposeful, and skillful. Below the line is impulsive, on autopilot, and reactive.
And the beautiful thing? This doesn’t just apply to elite athletes. It applies to everything. Every day, every moment, you choose: above or below the line?
With that in mind, I approached Theo Spijkerman and we planned a workshop for the soccer team. Ten and eleven-year-olds. Theme: “How do you become a hero on the soccer field?”
And my Part X went absolutely wild.
You’ve never done this before. You find teaching kids challenging. You’re not even a soccer fan. This is going to be NOTHING. Stop it and cancel!
By now I recognize this pattern. Resistance is my reverse indicator. The louder the voice screams, the more important it probably is.
So I did it anyway. And of course: it was SO much fun.
One of the most beautiful moments? The compliment game. The kids stood in a circle and had to give each other compliments about soccer or being a teammate. Simple, you’d think.
But then the coach, Martijn Horsman, what a legend, joined in… WOW. He gave such specific compliments to each child. “You never give up, even when we’re down 3-0.” “You’re always the first to support a teammate after a mistake.”
You could see it land. Also with the kids who might not have the best technique, but who DO show up at every training. Who DO support their teammates.
And do you know what some of them found the hardest? Shaking hands with the opposing team. EVEN if you just lost 4-3 after leading 3-0. Walking up to the very players who just beat you, looking them in the eye, shaking their hand, and saying: “Well played. Congratulations.”
THAT is hard. Because everything in you screams: we LOST anyway! I’m pissed! I want to go home! And then you ALSO have to congratulate the other on their victory?
Meyer calls this BCD behavior: Blame, Complain, Defend. The automatic response when things go wrong. But precisely then you have a choice. Do you stay below the line in your frustration? Or do you step above it and do what’s right, even if it feels awful?
That’s character. Not only when you win. Especially when you lose.
And really, that too is a form of letting go, right? Letting go of your disappointment. Letting go of “it should have gone differently.” Accepting what is. And then still doing what’s right with your head held high.
My son Jimmy thought “Flip the switch” was the best part. In the Heroic workshop we call it “Flip-the-switch.” A simple reset technique in four steps: body, stand like a champion; breath, one deep inhale; power word, FOCUS! or I CAN DO THIS!; action, what needs to happen NOW?
Exactly what Meyer means by getting above the line. You recognize that you’re below it, and you consciously choose to step above it.
Jimmy said the coach is already using it during training with the whole team.
So cool! That alone made it all worth it. Despite all the resistance beforehand.
The show must go on
I saw four movies this week. As a true, half Dutchie, I’m squeezing EVERYTHING out of my cinema subscription, haha! Avatar in 4DX was wild, moving seats, wind, water in your face.
But the movie that really stayed with me was Song Sung Blue with Hugh Jackman and Kate Hudson. Talk about dealing with setbacks.
One main character has serious heart problems. Serious. But doesn’t stop. The show must go on. The other experiences an accident that changes everything. And finds meaning because of it.
What do you do when life hits you? You can stay down. Or you can get up and say: the show must go on. Not because it’s easy, but because that’s who you choose to be.
Shit happens. And then you still have to make something of it. I won’t spoil more, because there was so much more in this film. Truly recommended.
The lunch where I surprised myself
I had a lovely lunch with my niece. At some point my breakup came up.
“I didn’t know that at all,” she said.
And then I did something I couldn’t have done a year ago.
I explained. Directly. Without detours. Including this: “I was ashamed. I felt like I had blown up my family.”
Now I know that’s not the full truth. It takes two to tango. But the shame was there. And that made it hard to share before. Quitting alcohol pointed me toward these hard truths. You can’t keep numbing what wants to be seen.
So there I was. Saying it out loud. Without dramatizing. Without excuses. Just: this is what it was, this is how I felt, and this is where I am now.
And as I said it, I felt something release. As if I put down a little bottle I’d been carrying for a while. One I would still secretly sniff now and then. Stop it, Holtslag. You don’t need that anymore. Let it fucking go.
Take it or leave it. Like it or love it. All good.
And I felt it: I am becoming more myself in this too. Not the version I thought I should be. “The proper way…” Not the version that does everything perfectly. Just: me. With my story. With my scars. With my growth.
A beautifully flawed human being. Just like everyone else. Just like you reading this.
Back to Singer: can you look at your past and say “thank you”?
I’m practicing. A little more every day.
Back on track
Beyond that, I’m happily back into healthy food, movement, sleep, and relaxation. I even passed on the delicious pastries at De Gillende Keukenmeiden in Zwolle! After a few weeks where it was a bit less, December is brutal for everyone I think, it feels good to be back in my rhythm.
And I want to reintroduce CrossFit. After a few months at Basic Fit, I miss the intensity and the community.
Here too: letting go. Letting go of the idea that you must judge yourself for “falling out of rhythm.” Sometimes you fall out. And then you simply start again. No drama. No self-blame. Just stop whining and complaining that it should have been different, stop listening to that, and just do it.
The common thread
Looking back at this week, I see one theme: letting go.
Yes, this theme comes up more often in this newsletter. Because it is the REAL work. The work that is never finished. One small step at a time, as my partner would say.
And as Phil Stutz would say: “There is no success. Only the process is what matters.”
In other words: the process IS the success. It’s not about having it “figured out.” It’s about putting yourself back into the process, again and again. Back on track. Every time.
Because it doesn’t matter how often you fall. As long as you get back up.
Letting go of the resistance before the workshop. Letting go of the shame about my breakup. Letting go of the expectation that everything must be perfect. Letting go of the idea that you’re ever “done” with something.
And those kids in the workshop? They learned to let go of their disappointment after a lost match. To still congratulate the opponent. To accept what is and then do what’s right.
Again and again. In small and big ways.
For you
Where are you still holding onto a stinky little bottle?
Which piece of the past are you still carrying, not because it helps you, but simply… because you always have?
And what would happen if you put it down?
Singer’s challenge: can you look back at your past, everything, including the painful parts, and say “thank you”?
Not because it’s easy. But because it frees you.
One bottle at a time.
May the life force be with you,
Syl
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For over ten years I’ve been helping people, entrepreneurs, leaders, coaches, creatives, who have already invested heavily in their growth. Who’ve read the books, done the workshops, reinvented themselves multiple times. And who still notice that the change doesn’t stick. That old patterns pull them back as soon as life happens again.
With the Tools® of Phil Stutz, yes, the ones from the Netflix documentary, and Heroic principles, I help them not just change, but become that change. In work, relationships, and life.
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📚 Book tips this week:
The Untethered Soul – Michael Singer
The Surrender Experiment – Michael Singer
Above the Line – Urban Meyer
Agenda
New workshops are coming! Save the date: February 20…
