Week 26/5  – On wardrobes full of masks, seven attempts, and winning stone cold sober

“Functionally Wrecked”

I read about Clemens in De Ondernemer, a Dutch business magazine. Almost three years sober. He wrote a book about it called “Functioneel naar de Klote” – roughly translated: Functionally Wrecked.

My immediate thought: I need to talk to this guy. He’d be perfect for the podcast I’m working on. And for my new book: Unaddicted – The Road to Fix-Free.

So I reached out. This week, we got on Zoom.

What really hit me was this. He said:

“I directed my own movie every single day. And if I didn’t like the scene, I’d rewrite it on the spot. The substance was the solution. But that wasn’t my addiction. My addiction was my brain telling me: you can’t handle the world.”

That one landed hard.

Because this isn’t just about alcohol, right? This is about everything we think we need to get through the day – through life, really. The snack. The scroll. The retail therapy. The assignment. The Netflix binge. The wine. The validation. The constant busyness.

Not because we actually want it. But because these are habits we don’t know how to live without.

The third option

I’m still deep in Michael Singer’s work. And talking to Clemens reminded me of what Singer says about energy.

He explains that when energy rises in us – an emotion, an urge, an uncomfortable feeling – we default to one of two things: suppress it or grab it. It’s like having invisible hands inside, trying to manipulate that energy.

Pushing it down rarely works – and when it does, it’s temporary. You either give in later, or you channel it into something else (lashing out at others, swapping one habit for another – hello, cross-addiction) and that’s usually just as destructive.

And grabbing – giving in to the urge immediately – just keeps the cycle going. You feel the pull toward the cigarette, the snack, the scroll, the glass of wine. You give in. And you reinforce the pattern, strengthening those neural pathways. Every. Single. Time.

Clemens told me he was drinking two liters of wine a day for years. Just to avoid feeling. Oh wow, that’s a lot – I’m not THAT bad, you might think. And then use that as permission to keep your own habits going.

Maybe yours isn’t alcohol. Maybe it’s food. Scrolling. Work. Staying busy. Taking it out on people around you. Anything that keeps you from feeling what’s actually going on inside.

Singer offers a third option. Neither suppress nor grab.

Keep your hands to yourself. Let the energy rise. Give it space. But don’t act on it. Don’t push it away, don’t grab it. Just relax, lean back, and let it move through you.

Singer calls it “relax and release.” I’ve also heard it described as “just sit with it” – not white-knuckling your way through, but radically, lovingly accepting what you feel without doing anything about it. No explaining, no changing, no giving in, no suppressing. Just being with it.

That’s what Clemens – and let’s be honest, most of us – eventually had to learn. The energy is allowed to exist. The feeling is allowed to be there. You don’t have to do anything with it.

Don’t numb it. Don’t fight it. Just let it be.

Easy? Hell no. But it’s the only path to real freedom.

Proof: Friday night

Friday night. Just back from the gym, still in my workout gear, had literally just wrestled off my sports bra when my friend Annemiek stopped by. We chatted, played a few rounds of Hitster Bingo with my son (his current obsession). Then: ping – “Soccer cancelled tomorrow morning.” So we thought: Should we hit up theater café Dubbel? It’s karaoke night.

Honestly? Part of me just wanted to crash. I’m up early these days and it was already 10 PM (rock ‘n roll, welcome to my boring-but-I-love-it life).

“I can’t go out like this?” I gestured at my leopard print leggings and hoodie.

“Who cares! I’ve still got clay stains from ceramics class,” Annemiek said. Then immediately asked for my makeup bag. And yeah, I put a bra back on. We threw on our purple beanies and off we went. Jimmy tagged along – mostly because he wanted to stay up late. “I don’t have to sing, do I mom?” Nope.

Fast forward: we absolutely crushed it on that stage. Just like almost twenty years ago at a different bar in Meppel.

The difference? Back then, we had plenty of liquid courage and thought we were amazing. Spoiler: we weren’t. We were tipsy at best and didn’t win – which somehow still surprised us. My ex even talked the bar into giving us a consolation prize because we were regulars (translation: we were there four nights a week). A hollow victory, literally.

This time, we took that stage with the exact same song (“I Feel So Damn Alone,” plus Proud Mary as a bonus – yes, there’s video, yes, I posted it on Instagram)… and we “absolutely brought the house down” according to the host 😂. Stone cold sober. Even my son Jimmy wanted to sing, despite being terrified – and he wasn’t the only one.

We went home with a prize we’d actually earned. Ha!

Clemens wrote about waking up every morning with shaking hands and a racing heart. Putting on a fake smile, dropping the kids at school, nailing presentations, closing deals. Nobody saw what was happening inside.

“Everything works. Except me.”

Four wardrobes full of masks, he called it. Directing your own movie every day. Performing just to cope with life. God, that hits close to home.

And there we were Friday night. In gym clothes and clay-stained outfits. No script. No mask. Well, maybe some mascara and a push-up bra. 😂

The point is: all you need is a little guts to show up as yourself and have a blast without needing anything external to get you there.

Six failures

Know what else I did this week? Baked sourdough bread.

Well. “Baked.”

I’d always wanted to take a sourdough workshop but never got around to it. After our cold plunge sessions, Frank van Bergen would always share fresh sourdough sandwiches (so good!) so I asked if he’d teach me. He gave me a jar of ancient starter and sent 30 tutorial videos with a sincere “good luck!”

Attempt one: disaster. Attempt two: disaster. Three, four, five: disaster. That starter just wouldn’t cooperate.

Old me would’ve quit after attempt two. Forget it, not my thing, I’ll just buy bread. There’s a sewing machine in my attic as proof – abandoned after two tries when I briefly thought I’d become a fashion designer.

Not this time.

I got a fresh batch of starter from Frank and went for attempt six. Which turned into a bread-shaped brick. Great for self-defense, but ChatGPT generously called it “a learning loaf.” Fair enough. You win or you learn. On to the next.

Last weekend was attempt seven. This time with a cast iron Dutch oven (which is what I should’ve used all along, but dummy here thought enamel would work). Patience. And after a full day of feeding, folding, shaping, and rising… it actually worked! And not just barely…

It was genuinely delicious bread! YES! I felt like Tom Hanks in Cast Away: I MADE FIRE! (See this clip at 1:02)

Sourdough is truly an art form. But it tasted like victory. And a little bit like sourdough. Still needs work, but hey – next time.

Mental error of the week

I love trying new things, so I signed up for a free fit20 trial. Ever heard of it? Once a week, twenty minutes, done. I had no idea what it was – didn’t even Google it (which I often don’t, and it usually bites me, but apparently I’m a slow learner).

It sounded too good to be true. Twenty minutes a week? Come on.

I do CrossFit. I lift. I do yoga. I know what it takes to see results. Twenty minutes sounded like a gimmick or one of those electric muscle stimulator things. But I showed up. Turns out it IS on machines – and it’s brutally hard. The trainer kept correcting my form and I was shocked at how challenging it was.

The largest fitness study ever conducted – nearly 15,000 participants tracked over seven years – shows this method actually works. 30-50% strength gains in the first year. Regardless of age, gender, or starting point.

The principle? Minimum effective dose. Not doing as much as possible, but exactly enough to trigger adaptation.

Here’s how it works: you move extremely slowly. Like 10 seconds up, 10 seconds down. Constant tension on the muscle. Until you physically cannot continue. No momentum. No cheating. No distraction. Pure focus.

I felt it immediately. This isn’t some chill workout. It’s confronting. There’s nowhere to hide. Just you, the muscle, and the question: do you quit or keep going?

It’s not about how much. It’s about how. I’m seriously considering adding this to my routine alongside CrossFit and yoga.

Creating vs. consuming

There’s a quote that stuck with me all week:

“The more you create, the more powerful you become. The more you consume, the more powerful others become.”

Looking back, it fits perfectly. Baking sourdough instead of buying bread. Creating. Training mindfully for twenty minutes instead of zoning out for an hour. Creating. Making a podcast instead of endlessly listening to them. Creating.

And yes, the podcast is coming, people. Clemens will likely be one of my first guests. And my book – Unaddicted: The Road to Fix-Free – is really taking shape.

Addicted: you need something to cope with life. Unaddicted: you choose what enhances your life.

For you

Where’s your “need to have”?

That one habit you think: I can’t function without this.

What if you don’t actually need it? What if you could simply choose it – or not?

Not to be perfect. But to be free.

Try asking yourself this once this week:

Do I actually want this, or do I just think I need it?

See what comes up.

Have a great week. Make something. And thanks for reading. 🙏

May the Life Force be with you,

Syl

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Since 2019, I’ve helped entrepreneurs, leaders, coaches, and creatives who’ve already invested heavily in their growth. People who’ve read the books, done the workshops, reinvented themselves multiple times. But who find that change doesn’t stick. That old patterns creep back the moment life gets real.

Using Phil Stutz’s Tools® (yes, from the Netflix documentary) and Heroic principles, I help them not just change – but become the change. In work, relationships, and life.

Not to get fixed. But to close the gap between knowing and doing. Especially when motivation has left the building.

Ready to stop consuming and start creating? Schedule your call – I’d love to connect.

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